Beneath Robin's Glove
by geek179
Summary: The first time I did it, it was an experiment. Would anyone notice? But no one did. Pure Robin angst FYI.
1. Beneath Robin's Glove

**This is what happens when I'm not a happy person… yeah that's really all I have to say.**

**I, as usual, own nothing, unless you want to get me a very late birthday present…**

**Erm… I'm warning you that it's pure angst.**

**Beneath Robin's Glove**

The first time I did it, it was an experiment. Would anyone notice? But no one did.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm hopelessly misunderstood, or that no one cares about me. I have the best adoptive father in the world and some of the most amazing friends. Maybe the first time was a test. Would they look hard enough? They didn't.

But in their defense I didn't really give them a chance. If my cloths didn't cover up the evidence, makeup would. It was the same makeup that I used for the bumps and bruises that I get when I'm Robin. Funny how it hides both my dirty little secrets? It isn't.

As if to add insult to injury, pardon my pun, it's a habit, I used a knife from mount Justice. I should've used a bird-a-rang. But it seemed too wrong. Robin is my outlet; he's the hero that Dick can't be. So why should Robin sink so low? He shouldn't.

So I took a knife from mount Justice's kitchen. I would've taken one from mine, but it's so neat and organized someone would have noticed. Knifes in mount Justice are lost all the time from Conner squishing them or M'gann throwing them into walls. So who would suspect me of taking them? No one.

The first time I did it my eyes were closed. I didn't want to see what I was doing to myself, but I still could. All day the next day I kept looking at the place where my fancy shirt covered the evidence. My teachers and friends must have thought I had a twitch. But did they ask about it? No, they didn't.

I told myself that if anyone asked I'd tell them the truth. I wouldn't go out of my way to hide it. But of course someone noticed and that someone was Alfred. I couldn't tell him what I was doing; he would have been so disappointed at how low I'd sunk. Did I want to disappoint anyone? No I didn't.

Maybe if I hadn't lied to Alfred it would have been better. They say one lie leads to another. It's true.

By then it was practically a nightly ritual right after I showered. The blade was hidden in a loose wall tile. I didn't need someone to go through my bathroom and find it. That would be bad.

I wasn't worried about my habit until a week ago. Bruce and I, as Batman and Robin, were standing on top the tallest building in Gotham, Wayne Tower, when I got the urge to jump. So I did.

I guess I just needed to have someone catch me. Someone to hold me tight and tell me it was okay. But there's the problem: it wasn't okay. I wanted to kill myself!

I felt the jolt as Bruce and I landed on the roof across from us. Bruce was breathing heavily and wouldn't let me go. He squeezed me too tight and I leaned into it. Tjis was what I needed: someone to tell me I meant the world to them.

After a half hour of this, Bruce was sitting on the ground, a gauntleted hand running through my hair and I was sitting comfortably in his lap. Finally the question was asked.

_Why?_

It wasn't an angry or irrational voice even though it should have been. I just tried to kill myself right in front of him! He saw I had no intention of pulling out a grappling gun and he was sitting there calm as day as if he was asking why I was wearing a red shirt! The anger swelled again.

_Why would you do something so awful?_

If I didn't' hear his voice break or look up to see the tears running down his face I wouldn't have believed it.

I couldn't hide it any longer. I had to show him. I had wordlessly pulled of my left glove, than the right one. I had felt rather then saw his eyes take in all the scars over the insides of my arms.

_Dick…_

He didn't yell. I could feel the disappointment radiating off him as he grabbed one of my wrists and ran a finger over the scars.

_I'm an awful parent… I didn't even know._

How could he feel that way? I used the knife not him. This was all MY fault. It was all my fault… what had I done?

I had felt a sob shake my body and I collapsed against him. Bruce held me tight again as I sobbed against him. I might've felt a few tears in my hair, but I couldn't be sure.

_It's okay._

We both knew it wasn't, but it was going to be.


	2. Then I'll be Screwed

**So I haven't been active on here for a little while because life's been hiting me rather hard recently. But here I am, with presents of Angst! Erm yeah… this comes out of my personal journal so it's short and I had to adapt it a little to fit Robin instead of me. But a lot of people seem to like angst so… here.**

Sometimes I just feel like I'm watching my life. It's a good show, full of unexpected bumps and large drops. Definitely interesting, but I'm not the driver.

I don't really know who is.

Every time I do something wrong, I fail a test or mess up on something, I feel myself slipping away a little. I feel myself pushing away the expectations, the rules, the heartbreak.

Reality sucks. A lot.

And to add to the pain I can't stand it when people tell me what to do. It hits my nerves and makes me grind my teeth. This is my life and I'll live it however I want, dammit! But I can't hold on to reality long enough to do anything really. I get distracted by the thoughts in my head. And that's the one place I can't seem to escape. Although, I can't say I'm fighting too hard in this battle. My mind's a much better place to be.

It's safe here, relatively. No one can hurt me or tell me I'm worthless. It's all about ME. No one else's problems. No one else's expectations. No one else's pain. Just mine. Just me.

Oh don't get me wrong, my mind can be a terrifying place that makes me wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. It's always there and impossible to run away from.

Maybe I should be committed…

All this fear and uncertainty in one place can't be good for a person's health… but nothing can really hurt me in my mind.

It's like watching a movie. The characters are going through so much pain and hardships, but you sit there laughing on the other side of the screen because it's not you. You can't feel the pain. You can't feel the tears. You can't feel the struggle. It's amusing to watch when it's not you. Oh don't deny it. You see the person crying in the movie and you laugh because it's completely impossible.

Because it's not real.

Because you're safe on the sidelines as you watch your life drive by.

And when the driver crashes, I'm going to be safe and sound on the sidelines.

Unless it crashes into me.

Then I'll be screwed.


	3. They Laughed

**More from my magical journal. This is pretty self-explanatory when it takes place, but if you don't know it's after Robin tells the team in a roundabout way about his depression, and it's definitely after **_**Beneath Robin's Glove. **_**Oh and it's really really short.**

It was a joke. No, it wasn't actually. Not to me. I didn't know how to tell them. I tried, but they laughed.

They laughed.

I know why. You laugh when you're scared. When you don't know what to do. When you think that everything can be made better by a smile. I still couldn't believe it.

Would they stand by me in the end? Do they even care enough to shed a tear? I fear not.

I can imagine the reactions. Bruce and Alfred heartbroken. Some others too. A lot of confusion. Maybe even a TV crew trying to swing a juicy story.

But I can't see them.

Oh good days they're crying too. Wondering if they could have done something. Wondering if it would have helped to say I'm sorry. They'd tell everyone about the good times and wish I was still there.

Oh bad days they don't show up. What would they say? What could they do? I'm dead, there's nothing else they can do for me. I'm a waste of their time.

Oh worse days they don't even notice. They don't see that I'm not there. Or they do and are glad. They don't care. That's what hurts the most.

Maybe I'll be watching from heaven. I never really believed so I'd probably be rotting in Hell.

What kind of God made people with the intent that they would tear themselves apart? A cruel one. A heartless one.

But still, I would do it in a heartbeat if I knew that I could see their reactions.

Their tears.

Their sorrow.

Their apologies.

Their regrets.

Does that make me cruel? As cruel as the being that put us here, whether it be a cruel god or coincidence.

Arkam is looking better and better.

I never saw myself living to be very old, anyway. The future is a terrifying place and I don't see myself fitting in anywhere really. Maybe I will die young. I guess I'll find out.

Later, though, because right now, well right now I'm laughing right along with them.

I never knew how much laughing could hurt.


End file.
